Relationships

Know what to do to improve your relationship today using proven methods based on Honeymooners Forever, Twelve Step Marriage Survival Guide.

 

Marriage advice Improve Communication

 

Just because you’re struggling in your marriage doesn’t mean you give up on it. Phoebe Hutchison tells you how you can bring back the spark in your relationship

Marriage advice Improve Communication. Are you starting to lose hope in your relationship? Maybe the sparks have died, you are feeling lonely or struggling to find reasons to stay together. As a marriage and crisis counsellor, our role is to help unhappy couples become happy again using the following process:

 

1. Identify the issues
2. Set goals
3. Implement strategies

 

Relationship issues can quickly become complicated, causing frustration through lack of insight. Many couples try, but feel as though they can’t ‘fix’ the relationship so they emotionally disconnect or, in some cases, separate. This crisis time, however, is ideal for a thorough assessment. If you need help, here’s how to put your relationship under the spotlight.

Think about your life, work hours, weekly activities, children and your stressors. When did things become challenging? How do you treat each other? How do you argue, and how often? Who avoids arguments, who becomes silent and who yells or intimidates? Do you notice any patterns such as: mother puts children first versus emotionally withdrawn father, spontaneous partner versus predictable partner, cat and dog couple [high conflict] or the highly competitive couple? Have you had an affair, or face excessive control or abuse? What is your sex life like? Delve into your childhood challenges, and also think about the communication styles you witnessed in your parent’s relationship? Is additional therapy needed for addiction, workaholism, parenting problems, grief, anger, post-traumatic stress disorder [PTSD] or mental health issues like depression? By ‘going deep’, you can discover the contributing factors in your relationship issues and equip yourself with specific strategies.

Some couples feel uncomfortable when we explain that arguing is good for marriage. If you don’t have good conflict management skills, and don’t stand up for yourself, you can easily develop resentment from unspoken words, unmet needs and anger that is not discussed. Couples who are not arguing often state they feel caged in, controlled or oppressed. Do you argue well? If not, follow these marriage advice improve communication steps:

 

Calm Down: Don’t have discussions when you are feeling infuriated and your blood is boiling. Wait until you cool down and schedule a meeting.

 

Before Sleep: Have this meeting before you go to sleep [as sleeping with inflamed emotions will only aggravate the situation].

 

No Distractions: Conduct this meeting in a quiet place with no distractions. You may use a writing pad as you both take turns in speaking and listening.

 

Compliment at Start /End: Use the ‘Positive Sandwich Technique’, first, befire you start. Ie. Open and end the conversation, with a nice compliment. This is usually conducted by the person who initiates the conversation / ‘mini meeting’.

 

Use ‘I’ statements: Discuss the issues in a direct manner. Use assertiveness techniques, by stating needs, wants and feelings from the “I” stance, such as: “I need…” “I want…” or “I feel…” Do not blame your spouse. For example, instead of saying: “You make me feel lonely” or “You’re always working,” you could say, “I feel lonely” or “I need quality time with you.” In family therapy, direct communication is the most effective… so become direct.

 

Take Turns: Use a business card, tea coaster, or small token to indicate that ONE person talks at a time, then take turns holding this, passing to your partner, to ensure listening skills are at your best. The person with the ‘token’ has the opportunity to speak, while the other listens.

 

Remain Calm: Keep the feeling neutral. Do not yell, swear, storm out or become aggressive. Only argue when calm, to avoid nasty words / aggression you may later regret.

 

The Aim: To have a win/win, but you may settle for compromise. Not all conversations/mini meetings will end with win/win. This is your chance for collaboration. First points are mentioned, then either party discusses their opinion, then a new goal is achieved after much brainstorming.

 

You may need a little extra help assessing your relationship from either a self-help book or a relationship counsellor, to help you identify areas for improvement, set your goals and learn new relationship strategies. Using simple strategies works best to keep your marriage growing. Transforming a relationship from unhappy to blissful is achieved one day at a time, one positive thought at a time, with one interaction at a time! Don’t give up on love. Relationships are hard work, but when you know what to work on, this ‘work’ will be a lot of fun!

Ever wondered what happens in a marriage counselling session.  Well, I let you have a glimpse. What can you expect when you a marriage counselling session with a quaified Honeymooners Forever Counsellor?
Phoebe Hutchison Founder PLP
Author / Counsellor / Public Speaker

Have you started losing faith in your relationship? Are you constantly fighting, or avoiding confrontation, and filled with resentment? Are you unsure of how to get back to how ‘it was’ at the start? Many couples cannot ‘fix’ their relationship alone. So, why not seek a little professional help? As a marriage and crisis counsellor, it is our honor to help couples reconnect and become happy again. Helping couples fall back in love is one of the greatest joys in our job. Now, let’s get to work…

When you book a counselling session, you will be offered a (virtual) seat on the couch’, and discuss confidentiality. We need to get to know you both, so we will ask about your: lifestyle, work hours, weekly commitments, children (and any parenting struggles), and/or pets. What has caused you to seek help now? What are the issues? We will determine your level of independence, how much time you devote to each other, how you treat each other, how you feel about each other, how your sex life is, and if there have been any physical or emotional affairs.

We document any signs of: depression (including any suicidal thinking), anxiety, grief and loss, other mental health disorders, addiction or escapism (drugs, alcohol, prescription medication, spending, porn, gambling or workaholism). We check for control issues, such as the cycle of power and control, verbal abuse or physical abuse. We often do a Life Balance Wheel Checklist from Phoebe’s 2nd book, Are You Listening? Life is Talking to You, if we feel either of you are not coping with life. In this checklist, we ask about your: thoughts, self esteem, loss or traumas, emotions, diet and exercise, support networks, hobbies, finances and the way you feel about your daily activities. Your personal safety always comes first.

We look out for any of these ten patterns:

1. The Competitive couple
2. The Fight over Facts couple
3. The Dominating versus the Submissive partner
4. The Flip couple (He is emotionally needy, and she is logical/feeling smothered)
5. The Emotionally Distant partner (one partner is only there in body, not mind)
6. The Cat and Dog couple (Highly argumentative couple)
7. Triangulation (Two people against one, such as parent and child against the other partner)
8. The Grieving partner (who may either withdraw, or become frequently angered)
9. One partner puts children first, other partner withdraws.
10. The Spontaneous versus The Highly Structured partner.

We establish who has resentment, and who would benefit with assertiveness training.
Often deep trauma release work, such as EMDR, works well in correcting long term ‘mental blocks’ such as avoiding conflict

How do you argue, and how often? What are your styles? Does one partner run? Is there a ‘silent treatment giver’ in the house? Do either of you yell, swear, or intimidate the other? Do you believe that no arguments is the best policy, and therefore not argue? If you happen to start an argument in session, We watch closely, for a moment; We are a ‘relationship detective’ after all; We watch, listen, and notice subtle clues to help solve the mystery of your relationship. Every interaction, every gesture, from body language, to facial expressions, helps us interpret your relationship strengths and weaknesses.

We promise we will make everything as easy as possible. We can’t promise that you will laugh at our jokes, but they should help you feel more relaxed. We promise we will ask intrusive, and sometimes embarrassing, questions, as thorough assessment is vital to ensure relevant strategies can be given fast. We promise that most of the couples we work with are able to resolve presenting issues within 6 sessions (with the exception of complications such as: affairs, mental health issues, or recovery from separation; as these issues take longer). We promise our diagnosis is thorough, to ensure the homework and strategies are simple. We promise you simple solutions, so you are not overwhelmed. We promise we will treat you both equally, and with love, and respect.

 

Why are we so passionate about saving marriages? Phoebe saved her own failing marriage twenty years ago, and we have been saving marriages ever since. Thousands of relationships have been healed and transformed using the Honeymooners Forever Strategy, and there is no reason why yours should be any different.